"That Doesn't Happen To Guys"
When rape is discussed or reported, it is assumed that a female victim was raped by a male perpetrator. When women report sexual assault, many reprimand the unfortunate incident while mindlessly murmuring “boys being boys.” While I am sure most people assume that occasionally a boy might be raped, we tend to look at these “rare” occasions as a boy who didn’t initially want to have sex but likely enjoyed it by the end of it.
Not only does rape occur to men, but they are not allowed the grace to deal with their attack and are expected move on much faster than women. Men who have been raped are seldom to report, stemming from pre-defined gender roles. Men are supposed to be physically and emotionally strong, right?
What happens when they’re not, when they prove that stereotype wrong, and how welcoming are we to a human being victimized by no choice of his own?
Experiencing emotion and processing pain is considered “weak”. Vulnerability is an idea that is never welcome into the home and hearts of a man. We allow our assumptions about gender to determine the seriousness of sexual assault.
This article is about men, the men who have reported and shared their stories, the preconceived myths about this issue, and how men say we can make a difference in this area.
First and foremost, it is vital that we recognize rape as a crime of pure violence, not a sexual act. According to Lorenzo Jensen, “It is motivated by the desire for power and control over another person rather than by sexual attraction or the desire for sexual gratification.” Assuming rape is solely a sexual act puts men into an unbreakable box that says that if they didn’t initially want to have sex they would enjoy it anyway, being the sexual creatures that we assume men to be. What does this say about men, and how we set them up to act and think about themselves? It is important that we learn about these myths and challenge these ideas, as they brew an environment where men who have been raped feel hesitant and unsupported to discuss what has happened to them.
(http://www.tcnjsignal.net/2016/02/23/male-students- are-victims- of-sexual- assault-too/)
Some myths we need to debunk are:
1. Men are strong and cannot be raped, and rape victims are weak. (Not fighting back is not equivalent to consent. Attackers are often stronger by using fear tactics, weapons, or being outnumbered.)
2. Only gay men are raped/commit rape. (Homosexual and heterosexual men can be both victims and perpetrators by desiring power over another person, which can be anybody.
One boy, Eric, was targeted due to his sexuality. Being open about his homosexuality, he stated, “ He assaulted me because he knew I was gay. After that I felt like I couldn’t be as out as I was. He thought that was an invitation.” He was targeted because of homophobia.)
3. If you know the person it is not rape. (Attackers can range from strangers to someone they knew and trusted, like a spouse or significant other.)
4. If the man is sexually aroused, it means he wanted it to happen. (This is a huge misconception about men being assaulted, being forced into a state of sexual arousal is the body’s physiological response in protection against physical or emotional triggers.
It is necessary to challenge and fight these myths because they make the aftermath of rape for men unbelievably traumatic. These myths make it harder to openly discuss the assault, to seek support, to report their assault to the police, and even to testify against their perpetrator(s). (http://laurelhouse.org.au/?page_id=22)
In any rape case, it often requires a uniquely devastating situation for the assault to be given proper attention. For example, according to the Huffington Post, “…male victims have been frequently absent from the news coverage, except most tragic cases, like that of Trey Malone, and the Amherst College student who committed suicide after his assault.” People refuse to see men hurt as opposed to men doing the hurt. LaPore states, “We tell little boys and men to pull themselves up by their bootstraps.” With this mentality, people assume there is no need for proper support and resources for male victims.
Male rape can happen by male and female perpetrators. We cannot box rape victims into the “typical” scenario which involves an intoxicated woman and a sexually aggressive man. While these circumstances do happen, we need to stop stereotyping for because this devalues other cases (men raping men, women raping women, women raping men). We must recognize these cases are worthy of addressing with proper care.
Let me make this clear: assault is assault. Your gender, your reason for not “fighting back,” your sexuality, etc does not make up for any lack of consent.
The Huffington Post shares, “Michael Rose…believes the role of bystanders is also integral. ‘Making sure every space is a safe space, if more people can be trained as bystanders, and feel comfortable intervening. That’s huge.” We can equip men and women to stand up as bystanders and become involved. While researching, being a female myself, I was not prepared to find the stories so many men vulnerably shared about their assaults. I feel like there is no better way for me to justifiably discuss the male experience as a victim in sexual assault then to share their very words.
“I was 17 and dating a much older woman. She was batshit insane and I was depressed so I let things drag on for far too long, and through my clouded, depressed thoughts I realized I needed to break up with her if I wanted to get better. I went to her apartment to break up with her and she said that if I did she would kill herself. I was naive and fell for it and blamed myself for her deluded way of thinking and fell into her manipulations. She said she would kill herself if we didn’t fuck right then, to prove I still loved her and wanted her. I was young and thought that if I didn’t do this I’d essentially have someone’s blood on my hands. I couldn’t get it up naturally, but after awhile she got me erect and then she climbed on top of me. I just felt so defeated and I laid there like a corpse. She ground down on me for an hour, but it felt like forever. And even though I was much stronger and larger than her, she held my arms down. It hurt, and I winced with each downward movement she made. I just felt so apathetic and used and numb afterwards.”
“For some reference my ex is super aggressive and she’s surprisingly strong despite being tiny. Also I was super drunk and I’m a pacifist so I decided that if I fought back much I’d look like I was assaulting her. I don’t trust cops to begin with but if I called them and pushed her off of me and she got bruised in sure I’d be seen as the assailant there.”
“I can say I’m angry and I hope that she burns. That one day she faces what it feels to get hurt. Have your sense of security ripped out of your self-worth. Not know who your friends are and who you can trust. And get a nudge, a wink, a ‘how hard did you bust?’ But that’d just mean she meets someone as bad as her. And goes through what I went through, and learn not to care. I just can’t wish it on someone. I just can’t. So it goes.”
http://thoughtcatalog.com/lorenzo-jensen- iii/2014/08/19-men- share-stories- of-being- raped-by- a-woman-nsfw/
Rape happens to both men and women, and men and women both rape. We cannot put sexual assault into a box of assumptions and scenarios. We can fight against this stigma - we can stand up for both genders, all victims.
